Those we care about the most

FACT: When I feel hurt by someone, I become a heinous brat. For most people, you never have to see this. Never have to know it. But to myself, I get defensive and angry that you hurt me. To 3 others in my life (two of which are my parents), you see me at my very, very worst. You hear me at my most awful. You feel my wrath because I go out of my way to make sure that you do.

How truly gross is it that we lash out the nastiest to those we care about most? Don't get me wrong, I do it a putrid style that would put others to shame, but I know I'm not the only one to abuse a relationship because I think isn't going anywhere. Surprisingly, a fight with my parents didn't prompt this post. Rather, an argument with the only other person in my life I let see me as this awful of a person.

Now that it's over, the fight that is, I still feel irreparably hurt, but I know at the end of it, I did the most damage. And frighteningly enough, this person isn't a given. They're not a guaranteed constant. They're not family. They can leave at any time, and I think in may ways they already have.

That said, I do know my anger comes from pain. Not just current, but repressed issues that I'm slowly dealing with. As I've mentioned, most people never see this angry, hurt side of me, but for those who have...

My lil sister in my sorority back in college did. We were close to the point where one day when fighting I was just awful to her. Things were never the same.

I've not acted out like this to friends since then. My parents, yes. God help them for having to deal with the nightmare I've been to them over the years, but typically this isn't something I let friends see.

So why now? Why this person? I think it's because I've bared so much around them. I've been so painfully honest about the worst of who I've been and who I can be. They've watched me fail. More than once. Have heard about heartbreaks. Watched missteps. And a myriad of things in between, that I just feel so vulnerable. So when they say something that seems to attack who I am, it cuts in such a deep way I don't know what else to do than to be vile.

I hate that I'm writing all of this now. Hate that I'm sharing this truly ugly side of who I am. But I need down on paper. I need to see this in the morning, when somehow I wake up and forget what a jerk I was. I need to see this two days from now, when this person still looks at me like the total bitch I was and remember that this very well could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

But most of all, I need to look at this as a reminder that underneath all the nice clothes, pretty pearls and smiles that I can put on, I'm still a hurt little girl. A girl that needs to realize when someone hurts you, you don't have to hurt them back.