Wrapping up 2011

What a busy few weeks I've had. Heck, my fall has been busy. Transitioning to a new job, moving to a new house. Everything's just taken up an insane amount of time. Go figure. I guess that's life.

Life has been interesting lately. Which is to say, not good or bad. It's just been. I figure that's a pretty pathetic way to live life -- in the grey of it all. Nonetheless that's just the way things have been. Don't get me wrong, I'm still blessed beyond all recognition but I seem to be lacking that spark. That little something that gets you going on. I don't know what it is that I'm missing, but I do know something is.

All that babbling aside, I spent Christmas back at home in N.C.. Which is worth mentioning, as last year I didn't make the trek home for the holidays. I was too bummed out about not being hired on the illustrious "Hill" yet, and 3 hours and 30 miles (yes, that was standstill traffic) later I ended up back at my Alexandria, VA apartment to spend the holiday alone. I guess 2010 was a pretty bleak year for me. But I covered that back then.

Chopped off all my hair a few days before Christmas.
Christmas Eve 2011.

Anyway, home was nice. 4 days was about all my relationship with my mother could take (I mean that matter of factly, not rudely). And now I'm back to V.A. enjoying what's left of my holiday break.

I've been busy cleaning. Organizing. Planning. 2012 is just 24hrs away and I'm determined to make 2012 outshine 2011. It has to, right? I sure hope so...

P.S. thanks for the comments and the many emails about my last blog post. It's not so pretty talking about being a heinous brat, but saying so aloud has definitely helped me think twice before acting out. Let's hope my actions improve in 2012.

P.P.S. One of my favorite Etsy gals (and DCGOPGirl Giveaway sponsor last year) is having a sale in her Etsy shop! With a 20.12 Percent Off section and a 20.12 Dollars Off section, shoppers can purchase original, handmade Piedra jewelry at the lowest prices she's ever offered. It's a great opportunity to build your 2012 accessories wardrobes without breaking the bank, so go check it out. NOW!

Some of my faves on sale:

Having become an earrings fiend the past few months (yes, I've given up my "pearls only" rule, I'm in love with these. What wouldn't they go with?

Calling all LSU, ECU fans! Heck, calling anyone with good fashion sense! How gorgeous are these?

And finally, some Lilly lover or glam gal just needs to spoil herself in 2012 and go for this beauty. I'm head over heels for it:

Those we care about the most

FACT: When I feel hurt by someone, I become a heinous brat. For most people, you never have to see this. Never have to know it. But to myself, I get defensive and angry that you hurt me. To 3 others in my life (two of which are my parents), you see me at my very, very worst. You hear me at my most awful. You feel my wrath because I go out of my way to make sure that you do.

How truly gross is it that we lash out the nastiest to those we care about most? Don't get me wrong, I do it a putrid style that would put others to shame, but I know I'm not the only one to abuse a relationship because I think isn't going anywhere. Surprisingly, a fight with my parents didn't prompt this post. Rather, an argument with the only other person in my life I let see me as this awful of a person.

Now that it's over, the fight that is, I still feel irreparably hurt, but I know at the end of it, I did the most damage. And frighteningly enough, this person isn't a given. They're not a guaranteed constant. They're not family. They can leave at any time, and I think in may ways they already have.

That said, I do know my anger comes from pain. Not just current, but repressed issues that I'm slowly dealing with. As I've mentioned, most people never see this angry, hurt side of me, but for those who have...

My lil sister in my sorority back in college did. We were close to the point where one day when fighting I was just awful to her. Things were never the same.

I've not acted out like this to friends since then. My parents, yes. God help them for having to deal with the nightmare I've been to them over the years, but typically this isn't something I let friends see.

So why now? Why this person? I think it's because I've bared so much around them. I've been so painfully honest about the worst of who I've been and who I can be. They've watched me fail. More than once. Have heard about heartbreaks. Watched missteps. And a myriad of things in between, that I just feel so vulnerable. So when they say something that seems to attack who I am, it cuts in such a deep way I don't know what else to do than to be vile.

I hate that I'm writing all of this now. Hate that I'm sharing this truly ugly side of who I am. But I need down on paper. I need to see this in the morning, when somehow I wake up and forget what a jerk I was. I need to see this two days from now, when this person still looks at me like the total bitch I was and remember that this very well could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

But most of all, I need to look at this as a reminder that underneath all the nice clothes, pretty pearls and smiles that I can put on, I'm still a hurt little girl. A girl that needs to realize when someone hurts you, you don't have to hurt them back.

A healing prayer

Asking on behalf of my gorgeous cousin Shauna (who you've heard much about)  and her amazing husband:

Today I ask our family and friends in your downtime to please say a healing prayer for my husband. Anthony has been battling a pressure wound on the back of his leg for months now and is scheduled for surgery in January. Due to increased activity and all the traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday, the wound has increased in size and depth. To prevent further injury and the hopes of a Christmas holiday away from the hospital, Anthony has been instructed to stay prone ( on his stomach) and is back on the prone cart. This has been a setback emotionally and physically for Anthony but is necessary for his recovery. I have witnessed the power of prayer during his entire recovery process and I'm asking again to please help us. Pray for healing for my husband and a Christmas holiday surrounded by our families away from the hospital.

The lack of anonymity

It's not secret I'm not blogging a lot. Tonight, I admitted to myself just why that is. It's not for lack of content. Nor is it for lack of time or even ability to write. It's for lack of anonymity.

In telling you who I am, I've empowered you. Anyone reading this blog. And because of that power over me, I'm afraid to be truly vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, I've been vulnerable from time to time. But that's been referencing the past in most cases. When talking difficult, current events I write with vague detail. I make sure the reader doesn't fully understand what's going on. Only those VERY, VERY few closest to me can piece together what they know and what I write to see the full picture.

And that's where I am today. I have a LOT I want to get off my chest. A lot I need to sort out. A lot that used to live on my old, anonymous blog that I'm just not comfortable divulging right now. It's a mix of worrying both what you, mostly a collection of wonderful readers whom I don't know "in real life" think, and a worrying about what I'll think about myself if I'm honest enough to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) and admit what all I'm thinking.

So once more, I'm babbling in circles instead of cutting to the truth of things. Because while I'd love to say I'm empowered enough to be honest to strangers, in reality I'm a coward.