Up until “that day” I thought, ‘my life was finally, perfectly, on track.’ I had bought a house 5 months prior, because I was so confident in the “steadiness” of my life. I was getting ready to step into the next exciting chapter of my career after working for amazing Godly man (alongside an incredible team) for the past 2 years. I was thriving in the Jr League and DAR moving up in leadership all the while working alongside inspirational women and giving back to the community. I had even just gone into my second year of remission. Everything seemed to be so perfectly in place, and only getting better.
Then, 5 months ago today, in but a few fleeting seconds, I changed my life forever.
In the days and weeks that followed I lived wallowing in a regret and despair that you couldn’t possibly imagine. Every day I felt like I was drowning. I could barely breathe through the never-ending tears. I couldn’t eat, or drink — I don’t even think I thought to until after the 9th day. I tried to sleep every waking moment. It was the most miserably alone and desperate I’ve ever felt.
There are a lot more details about the 8 days that followed “that day”… perhaps I’ll recount them some day. Not now. Even 5 months later the wounds are too fresh to want to dive into the details.
For little did I realize that in putting together the picture perfect life in 2014, I had let one area of my life wane without even realizing it… my relationship with God. Despite all the horrible fallout that happened in my life that first week (and the months since) something miraculous happened — I connected with God on a level I didn’t even think was possible.
In that, there was a divine humility — realizing that it’s taken me getting to the lowest of lows to stop to prioritize my relationship with God again. To stop and offer up a broken, defeated girl to the maker of the universe and realize that he KNOWS I choose everything in life over Him throughout 2014. But also to know He doesn’t care — He would literally do anything to conquer and save me yet again, simply because He loves me. That much.
And you wouldn’t begin to believe all the “God things” (those serendipitous events that you can’t explain any other way than acknowledging the hand of God is at work in your life) that have happened these past 5 months. The finite attention to detail God’s given the little things in my life to SHOW me He’s there, and that He loves me.
In moments of extreme panic and anxiety, He’s steadied and calmed me. In moments where I thought I would literally die of heartache, He’d taken my heart in His hands and given me comfort. When I’ve wanted to fight back against lies, He’s made me still reminding me that in my stillness He will fight for me and speak truth over the lies.
He’s taken the time to speak to me more deeply, more directly than ever before assuring me of His promise in the most detailed, undeniable ways — everything’s going to be okay. And in doing so, has made tears of sadness turn into tears of joy and hope for what the future will bring. #5MonthsAndHopeful